...........................................

Really wish I could just drop dead, hanging my neck by a string, or simply jump from the thirteenth floor.

hate this de ja vu

Do you remember when you were just a small, very small kid?

Do you remember the feeling when you're being left by your parents? They're going out somewhere without taking you along with them---they probably did have something privately, maybe just for mom and dad stuffs, or maybe they take your brothers or sister instead of you.

Do you remember how you stared at your window, seeing the last exhaust coming from the car slowly disappeared, until you heard the last sound of the car was gradually vanishing in the distance.

Do you remember when you were thinking about them---who were really enjoying the time hanging out together filled with laughter and joy, while you're sitting inside your bedroom, perhaps doing the homework for next day's class, or even crying as you felt irritated and being left by the one you love?

That is a really bad thing, one of the worst things had ever happened in a child's life--that's what I thought.

And I am now clueless as that seems to happen, again, at present. It's the feeling of being left by the one you love most, which emerges a sense of inconvenience and anger. I'm confused of this de ja vu that seems to reincarnate. I really hate this sense, while I'm thinking that that person now is laughing and having fun in the other side of the world, while me regretting the fact that I am not there.

Have fun then....

The Most Scarying Sort of Alphabets...EVER !

A B C D..
those are the alphabets that we first used to learn when we were three or four. Maybe some of us still remember the alphabet cubes which were to be arranged into simple words. Those were really happy times learning with alphabets

Several years later, we coped with alphabets in a more complicated way. We integrated them in more sophisticated words and longer sentences which constructed an essay. We also combined the alphabets into math equation, still beginning from the very simple one; in which they're being used as single variable in the linear equation.

Perhaps some people also remember using beautifully written alphabets to write words that expressed their feelings towards someone whom they first crushed on. Some also can recall those memories when they are being grumbled for their hardly-can-be-read handwriting as others couldn't distinguish between "a" and "u" or "b" and "f".

I used to like alphabets as people said I'am good in writing.
I used to like alphabets as I didn't have that much problem in my handwriting; some people even said that my handwriting is easily read and beautiful. No wonder they often borrowed my notes.
I also didn't have to cope with those heartbeating feeling when I tried to make a love letter to someone as I never ever tried to.

So far so good...

But now it has changed

I'm experiencing myself trapped in the fear of having C and not having A in my what-so-called degree audit, one single web page containing my whole effort in a semester. On that will be printed my oh-so-frightening alphabets ever in my life. Ever!
On that will my life and scholarship's future be decided. It's an alive or doomed stuff.

And now I know what sort of alphabets scaries me off

What Have You Sacrificed?

When you're questioning yourself; what have you done for your family? what have you given your parents ? then you realize that you are no good.

You haven't done much for them, even to pay for half as much as their fingertips.
You could have given them mounts of money, as much you can earn as what JK Rowling did in her royalty retention for the whole Harry Potter series. Yet, you still leave another mount of money to pay for their kindness.

Forget those "money-related" paybacks.
When you can not deliver even a single A in your degree audit; something which other ppl testify as "a very easy thing to do", you know whether you should be ashamed.

Even now, you can only give them news of the scholarship warning.
Even now, you can only call them in a not-so-happy way telling that you'd messed up your first semester in your dream university, for which they would sacrifice their whole world, only to see you delighted and proud. Because they're also proud if you are.

I don't know whether you plan to mess up their dream either once more or onwards, or both. One thing is for sure, you'll be regretting what you've done for your entire life unless you're willing to SACRIFICE from this moment on...